Contractions during Sex | Needs, Desires, & Boundaries

Contractions during Sex | Needs, Desires, & Boundaries

May 31, 2021



You find yourself in a passionate quicky on the kitchen countertop, or in a longstanding lovemaking session on the living room floor… or wherever you might find yourself ;)


Amidst the experience of being passionately (or not so passionately) penetrated, there is a part of your being that is not fully on board. While this is a vast and nuanced topic, for the sake of this particular share, I want to call out the particular feeling of your body almost bracing itself while being penetrated, a subtle leaning back, a contraction… rather than opening and receiving the experience of penetration, there is a closing and an energetic pushing away. All the while, the mind is silently echoing, “No… hold on.. Wait a minute”… or whatever it might be saying.


I want to give space to this aspect of the sexual experience, to acknowledge it, to give it air to breathe.


On the outside, we “succeeded”. It was a passionate sexual union of which in many ways felt delicious and satisfying (or maybe not). But on the inside, there was a part of us that was resenting our experience, wishing for it to be different… maybe for it even to be over.


Only through presencing what is actually true are we able to talk about and change an experience.


The sexual realm is such a profoundly transparent space to really experience and learn our body mind, primal operating system. Our sexual being and experience reveals so much of the energy that we carry in our body and through our life. It is the root of our energetic system. It holds the core imprints of our karmic work, societal conditioning and our family upbringing.


AND it is the gateway to our most profound transformation of Self. 


The work that will transform our relationship to our body, to our life, to our voice, and definitely to our sexual experience is:


Learning and Communicating our needs, desires and boundaries.


This is the work, my loves.




You find yourself in a passionate sensual sexual union (this time in the bedroom ;) and you feel yourself contracted. Your body is consciously and unconsciously pulling away from your partner, and penetration feels a bit painful.


So, this time:


1) You take responsibility for your experience. SEX IS GOOD FOR ME AND I WANT TO ENJOY IT!


2) Communicate and Create. “Love, (I’m feeling a bit sensitive and disconnected) Can we pause for a moment and breathe together.” OR, “Honey Pie, (my body is feeling a bit closed and not that relaxed), could you touch my skin and lick my pussy? (I’m sure they will love that one :)


(The parts in parentheses are not necessary to share, in fact it is preferable not to share with a male partner)


Two side notes here around communication: 

- You will notice that in order to communicate what you need and desire, you need to know your own body. This is why self exploration through developing your own pleasure/self love practice is VITAL to your embodiment and empowerment.

- Communicate what you DO want, not what you DON’T want. Two reasons. The Spiritual Laws of the Universe - Speak the words you want to see. For your partner, receiving words of what you don’t want is belittling and over time, will push them away. Most times, it’s a reflection that you actually don’t know what you want, or are in a loop of complaining instead of creating.


3) After you communicate what you need and/or desire, you remind yourself: SEX IS GOOD FOR ME AND I WANT TO ENJOY THIS EXPERIENCE.


Contractions are invitations to better tend to our body mind systems, and ultimately are gateways to powerful openings.


Breath and Focused Intention on Sensations are two ingredients in the grand recipe of surrendering to sexual energy and Opening to Ecstatic Experiences.


It is through the clear and loving communication of our boundaries, needs and desires that we create an environment where we feel safe to open, and to become skillful in the art of receiving.


But before the clear communication, comes the inquiry, the learning.


So we begin the study, ladies. Anytime something in our life feels off, we look inward.


What do I need? What am I desiring? Is this an invitation for boundaries?


Holding the part of our being that does not feel safe to open with compassionate love. And deep awe. Often it is these most tender parts that need the extra love that also carry the most creative genius.


May we be devoted to keeping our hearts with the tender parts.


May we be devoted to our full sexual expression!

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